The Resolution of Haruhi Suzumiya
by Amaxing
Summary: Suffering from boredom, Haruhi comes up with an idea: force everyone in the club to change their personality in some way. Such a simple thing, yet such chaotic results. But hey, that's to be expected.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Haruhi Suzumiya is awesome

Disclaimer: Haruhi Suzumiya is awesome! And I don't own it. … sigh. I'm going to go cry now.

The Resolution of Haruhi Suzumiya.

_You'd think I'd get a well-deserved break._

_Honestly, with the countless upon endless upon multifarious upon relentless amount of strange things that had happened to me over the past couple of months, you'd think Haruhi would give me a chance to recharge my batteries. Even _Hercules_ only had _twelve_ trials._

Of course, I really shouldn't be complaining, because as of this moment, it's been a good five days since I've been attacked by a giant cricket, been trapped in an alternate dimension, or… had to play a baseball game to determine the fate of the universe. Five glorious days of normalcy. Warren G. Harding would be proud.

_And today looks like it's shaping up to be one of well-deserved respite as well. We've been sitting in the clubroom for more than half the usual meeting time, and Haruhi hasn't even shown up yet! Ah the sweet, sweet silence… made even sweeter by Ms. Asahina's presence, of course._

_Though, if I were completely honest, I'd have to say I'm a bit worried. And it may seem a bit selfish, but I'm not so much worried about Haruhi's safety as I am worried that she's running late because she's dreamed up a new, devilish, world-altering scheme in that erratic brain of hers. I swear; she's the poster child for ADD!_

_ But what am I thinking? I shouldn't be mulling over things like this and ruining the moment! I should just relax, close my eyes, and soak it all in because eventually, and of this I'm 100 certain, it'll all be gone._

The door burst open, causing the four occupants of the clubroom to look up slowly (this was hardly a surprise anymore). Haruhi stood in the doorway, a devilish grin filling up her face from ear to ear. "Sorry I'm so late, everyone!" she yelled enthusiastically, "but your wait will be soon rewarded! I got the greatest idea on the way to the clubroom and I just couldn't come until I'd written it all down!"

_You know, it's true what they say. There really _is_ no rest for the weary._

"Sounds fun" said Koizumi in that same, universally inoffensive tone he always spoke in.

_Don't say it sounds fun when you don't even know what it is!_

"What…" Mikuru said softly. "What is it?"

Haruhi's smile widened (if humanly possible) and she pointed dramatically into the air. "We're going to undergo some _character_ changes!"

Silence.

"Character changes?" Kyon was finally brave enough to ask.

"That's right!" Haruhi exclaimed with an overly enthusiastic nod. "Character changes! In every good story, the main characters always go through some kind of change or realization that turns them into better people and gives the story a moral! But look at _us!_" She pointed to each member in turn. "Mikuru-chan is still the same quiet, unassuming girl she was from the start, Koizumi is still happy all the time, Nagato still never says a word, and you, Kyon, are still the same old boring, lazy slacker you were when I met you!"

_Lazy? Who's done all the work for this club so far? _"I notice you _conveniently_ forgot to include yourself on that list." Kyon said aloud.

"Well of course! I'm the all-important, super-deluxe brigade leader! I have to be steadfast and unchanging so you all have something to cling to!"

_Right. Because we'd all be _solost_ without you._

Haruhi whipped out four sheets of paper from behind her back and slammed them down onto the table. "Here are your resolution forms everyone! I want you to fill them all out and return them to me by the end of the week!"

"This is nuts! You can't just _force_ people to change, it doesn't _work_ that way!" Kyon objected.

"It's not like I'm telling you how you have to change" Haruhi said matter-of-factly "just pick one thing you've always wanted to change about yourself and go, go, go for it! Just think of it as your mandatory New Year's resolution!"

A _New Year's resolution…in April? Wait a minute… ha! It's April 1__st__! April fools! Good one Haruhi, you had us all going there for a minute! (Sigh) Somehow, I think Haruhi would find a holiday like April Fool's day boring._

"This will be fun!" Haruhi cheered. "Dismissed everyone!" And before Kyon could say anything else, the door slammed shut. She was gone.

_I hate to be redundant, but… this is a joke, right?_ "Of all the harebrained schemes…" Kyon mumbled.

"I'd have to say this one is quite tame, wouldn't you say?" Koizumi smiled. He struck a classic over exaggerated pose. "I have to say, it does my heart good to know that Ms. Suzumiya can occupy herself more normal activities, like this one." His smile lessened a bit. "Though I have to say, the implications of her actions could fill volumes. What does she mean to accomplish by this? What if…"

_Oh. Great. Another page and a half long Koizumi lecture. A good storyteller would spare you having to listen to it and summarize it for you. Then again, why shouldn't you have to experience the pain as well?_

"What if," Koizumi continued, "Ms. Suzumiya has started to grow bored with the 'cast of characters' that she's surrounded herself with, and desires change? Have the desires that she had when she created this club changed? How are Nagato and I, who Ms. Suzumiya chose because of our unchanging personalities, supposed to respond to this kind of thing? Will closed space start popping up left and right if we don't change? Will it start popping up if we _do_ change? And what does she hope to get out of this?" He shook his head over emphatically. "It's a real bother, you know?"

Kyon sat for a moment, staring at Koizumi with disbelief. "You're crazy," he said bluntly.

Koizumi laughed. "I suppose that's a possibility as well, isn't it?"

_Sure. If possibility is synonymous with fact, that is._

Koizumi laughed again, as if reading Kyon's thoughts. "Well, I suppose if this is what Ms. Suzumiya wishes, I should run with it for now and see how things turn out." His smile widened to its full fakeness. "I wonder how I should change?"

"Honestly? It wouldn't kill you to be a bit less fake" Kyon commented.

Koizumi made another gesture. "Though I'm not sure what you mean, I guess I'll consider it." He grabbed his backpack and went to the door. "See you tomorrow." The door clicked shut.

_Hmm… I wonder why he left in such a hurry? _Kyon sighed, and then stared at his 'resolution form'. 'Executive order 234, from Ms. Haruhi Suzumiya, SOS Brigade leader: In order to retain good standing within the organization, the brigade member who holds this order must set some personal goal for themselves by April 5th of this week, and solemnly vow to pursue said goal with all their heart, soul, and body. Super-deluxe SOS Brigade leader Haruhi Suzumiya will personally execute all violators. Signed: Haruhi Suzumiya. _… Did she actually write all this? It sounds a bit too… professional._

Kyon looked over the paper again. _Something I want to change about myself? How on earth am I supposed to put something like that into words?_ He surveyed the room. _Honestly, I can't think of _anything_ I'd change about anyone in this room… although…_

_"Kyon-kun" Mikuru said flirtatiously. "It's ok. You can stay here while I change."_

Mikuru leaned over Kyon, a cup of tea in hand. "Kyon-kun…what are you thinking about?" She smiled sweetly.

"Ah!" Kyon gasped, waking from his fantasy. "N-nothing… nothing at all!" He smiled nervously, than accepted the tea with a nod of thanks. "So… Ms. Asahina" he ventured, "Are you going to do this 'resolution' thing?"

Mikuru flushed slightly. "Well… I suppose if Ms. Suzumiya wants it… I should probably go along with it, shouldn't I?" She smiled warmly. _(Sigh) If we posted a picture of that smile where everyone in the world could see it, I'm fairly certain we'd solve the problems of war, oil dependency, and world hunger in a single go._ "Besides…" Mikuru continued, looking down shyly. "There is something… that I'd like to change…"

"Well, what is it?" Kyon asked, hoping it was along the lines of his fantasy.

Mikuru put a finger to her lips, and winked. "That's classified!" She teased, before returning to the tea cozy. _She did that just to mess with me._ Kyon sighed, then turned to face Nagato, who was sitting in the corner, as usual. "You're not going to do this, are you?"

Silence. "Maybe" she said in a monotone voice.

"Really? What would you do?"

Silence. "Change."

"Care to elaborate on that?"

Nagato looked up from her book, and stared at Kyon with big, blank eyes. "I would attempt to increase the implementation of my capacity to interact with the species _Homo sapiens_, thereby increasing the probability of observing useful data about Haruhi Suzumiya for the Integrated Data Sentient Entity." She looked back down at her book.

_Sigh. I'm going to feel dumb for asking this, but…_ "Care to say that in English?"

"Talk more," she replied simply.

"Oh, I see." Nagato rose from her chair and left the clubroom, signaling for the others to do the same.

As Kyon walked home, he glanced one last time at the form before shoving it in his pocket. _Forget that. There's only one thing I can seriously think of wanting to change anyway, and I highly doubt our 'noble leader' would approve…_

_"Guess what everybody?" Haruhi announced. "I'm sick and tired of all this weird stuff, so we're just going to have fun from now on! Isn't that a great idea?_"

Kyon sighed. _That'll be the day…_

And. Oh my God. Amaxing has decided to write for Haruhi. (Earthquake, Typhoon, Monsoon, Tornado, Hurricane, Volcano, Godzilla, King Kong, Chuck Norris, Mr. Rogers.) All I can say is: be honest. I'd absolutely hate to do any injustice to this series… this wonderful, amaxing series… Reviews are much appreciated and will always be read/considered/obsessed over! Just thought you ought to know.

And I'm out.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I did not create Haruhi Suzumiya. In fact, while it's not 100 percent certain, there's a good possibility that Haruhi Suzumiya created me. How's _that_ for a twist, huh?

The Madness Begins (already, yeah).

_You know the one good thing about sitting in front of Haruhi Suzumiya?_

_That's ok. I don't either. Aside from the occasional conversations I actually_ enjoy_ being a part of and… how should I put this… the 'face value' of the situation, it is, quite honestly, one of the most trying ordeals of my life. For example…_

"Kyon!" Haruhi poked Kyon in the back with a pencil, while Kyon hunched over his test. "Kyon!" Poke. "Kyon!" Poke. "Kyon!" Poke. "Kyon!" Poke. "Kyon!" Poke.

"What?" he whispered back, trying not to yell at/throttle Haruhi.

"Do you think Mikuru would look better as a Valkyrie or an exotic dancer?"

Kyon thought about it for a minute, then laid his pencil down. _(Sob). How am I supposed to concentrate with _that_ in my head?_

_And yes, before you ask, I did fail. Miserably. Not only does she pull stunts like that, but I've also endured more physical torture than the average masochist can handle. Indian rug burns, swift kicks in the back of the legs, mild concussions… that's all pretty standard stuff where I sit. Yup. Needless to say, I hardly expected today to be any different, particularly since yesterday's 'announcement'._

"Kyon!" Poke. "Kyon!" Poke. "Kyon!" Poke. "Kyon!" Poke. "Kyon!" Poke.

_(Sigh). _"Well, go on, I can't help but hear you." He grumbled.

"So? Have you thought about your resolution yet?" she asked excitedly.

_Well, I suppose the shortest distance between two points _is_ a straight line… Actually, I don't think that analogy made any sense. Whatever._ "I've been meaning to talk to you about that, actually." He replied. _All right. You can do this. Take a deep breath, and tell her how idiotic this whole thing is. Do it! Do it now!_

"Yeah? So? What is it?" she demanded with a stern look on her face.

Kyon opened his mouth, but an image of Haruhi yelling '_punishment!_' flashed across his mind. "I'm still working on it," he muttered. _I don't want to die._

"Don't tell me you can't think of anything?" Haruhi replied, shocked. "There's got to be a _million _things! You could stop slumping, you could annunciate instead of mumbling under your breath all the time, you could grow a mullet, you could treat me like a queen, you could…"

_As I listened to Haruhi name each and every one of my faults, two things crossed my mind. 1) Perhaps the reason I was 'chosen' by Haruhi, if I actually chose to believe Koizumi of course, was that I had so many undesirable traits (from Haruhi's point of view) that 'correcting' them all would entertain her for years on end. 2). There's one extra student in class today, and why does she look so familiar?_

Kyon's jaw dropped, as what he was seeing registered in his mind. "N-Nagato?" he stuttered.

The humanoid interface turned at the sound of his voice and nodded slightly. "Kyon. Good morning." She said.

Haruhi stopped rambling. "Eh? Nagato? What are you doing here?"

Nagato rose from her desk and walked over to Kyon and Haruhi. "Administrative actions beyond my control have caused me to switch over to this homeroom." The corners of her mouth turned upward slightly, almost forming a smile. "I believe it will be an interesting experience, don't you?"

Kyon sat with his mouth open. _She spoke… with feeling. Kind of. Don't tell me… she's actually going along with this scheme?_

Haruhi smiled broadly, and she let out a loud shout of joy. "Way to go Nagato! For being the first SOS Brigade member to achieve a tangible character change, I'm promoting you to SOS Brigade vice-vice chief! Congratulations!"

_I am _not_ jealous._

Nagato gave a small nod. "I thank you." She returned to her seat and, to Kyon's surprise, gave a small 'hello' to the boy sitting behind her.

_What the… What the heck is going on here?_

"You could also stop keeping all your thoughts to yourself" Haruhi said with another poke, before continuing her list of Kyon's personality flaws.

_Sigh. When did the Aztecs say the world would end again?_

"December 24th, 2012" Haruhi said out of the blue.

_I wish she wouldn't do that…_

_Anyway, while Nagato's change weirded me out a little, it wasn't really all that shocking once I thought about it. I had already noticed her becoming more social as time passed, why _shouldn't_ she use Haruhi's scheme to her advantage? No, the true trip to the Twilight Zone happened during lunch._

"Kyon" said a certain smiling esper. "A word, if you would?"

Kyon sighed. _Let's see… listen to Koizumi belabor about something uninteresting and nonsensical, or listen to Haruhi rail on me about my personality flaws… wow! Koizumi, you actually win this one! Nice job!_ "Fine" he grunted. They took their lunches to a table outside.

"First of all" Koizumi said with an emotionless smile. "I'd like to tell you that I'm a _bit_ upset about your comment yesterday." He shook his head and sighed. "Then again, I suppose when I think about it, you're right. I suppose I do come off as a bit fake."

_Good gravy, not you too!_ "So what, you're trying to change by putting your feelings into words while staying the same on the outside?" Kyon asked caustically.

Koizumi's smile broadened. "That's very perceptive of you; yes, I think that if I'm going to transition to a non-stoic lifestyle, I should do it slowly in case Ms. Suzumiya begins to dislike it." He leaned forward and took a sip of coffee (A/N: I… just see Koizumi carrying coffee in his lunch thermos, that's all). "That's actually why I want to talk to you."

"Eh?" Kyon asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You see, whether I show it or not…" he took another sip. "I value your opinion higher than most of the other people I know, even the bigwigs of the Organization." He tapped the side of his thermos. "I'd like to know how gradual a change I should aim for. Should I maybe stay like this for a week, and then become more spontaneous per week? Perhaps I should judge it by month? By _day?_ Or perhaps I should judge based on Ms. Suzumiya's stability." He looked Kyon in the eye, still smiling emptily. "I'd really like to know what you think."

_I think you're crazy. Then again, you're actually being sincere for once in your life, so I suppose I should encourage this…_ "Well, it depends…" Kyon said as he mulled it over. "It depends on what you're end goal is, I suppose. How much emotion do you want to show?" _I can't believe I'm actually having this conversation! I'm not a 'sensey!'_

"Well…" Koizumi said, lost in thought. Finally, he pointed towards a window showing the inside of the school. "You see that girl over there?"

Kyon glanced over. "Yeah…" Kyon ventured. "We see her everyday, that's _Nagato_."

"I love her." The gravity of the statement, combined with the fact that it was said in such a simple, unemotional tone caused Kyon to fall out of his chair and skid across the ground.

_Whaaaat? WHAT did you just say?_ "Beg… pardon?" he asked as he picked himself up.

"I love her," Koizumi stated again. Kyon had braced himself this time, and only felt a slight jab in the stomach. "But because of the way Ms. Suzumiya wants me to be, and wants _her_ to be, for that matter, I can't do anything about it." His smile faded, but only slightly, as he gave an overdramatic sigh. "I sit in the clubroom, day in and day out, just wishing there was someway I could open up to her… without endangering the universe, of course." He looked at Kyon again. "I want… to be able to express that. As if I really meant it, because I do."

Kyon blinked, and was silent for a minute. _Koizumi…_ "Well…" Kyon mused, choosing his words carefully. "I suppose you could always tell her this without Haruhi knowing." He nodded. "Yes! What Haruhi doesn't know won't destroy the world, and I've got a _sneaking_ suspicion that Nagato won't mind if you're a bit unemotional at first." He flashed a smile. "I mean… she doesn't really have room to talk, does she?"

Koizumi's smile widened, but in a fake way. "I'm grateful that you're actually willing to help, but… I'd already thought of that, you see…" his voice trailed off, and as Kyon looked at Koizumi head on, it seemed that the esper was putting a _bit_ more effort into maintaining his fake smile.

"So then…" Kyon ventured. "What… seems to be the problem?"

"Em…" Koizumi said, letting out a soft chuckle.

_I don't get it. If he knows that he can do it successfully and get away with it… I mean, the shortest distance between two points _is_ a straight line… again, I have no idea if that worked or not, but I mean…_A thought struck Kyon, and he made a strange half amused, half shocked face. _No. Koizumi? Surely not…_ "You're…" he stuttered. "You're not scared that she'll turn you down, are you?"

Koizumi gave an overdramatic sigh and gesture, but Kyon still noticed that his smile faded substantially. "What can I say? Bob Vila couldn't hit the nail on the head more perfectly."

_That's the kind of allusion _I_ usually say! Am I off today or something?_

"You seem dazed," Koizumi noted.

"Sorry" Kyon apologized. _That's new. I apologize to Koizumi now?_ "It's just, I can't really see you being scared of anything… actually, come to think of it, I can't picture you loving anyone either."

Koizumi nodded. "Then I suppose my endeavors have been successful thus far. Perhaps too successful…" He lowered his voice slightly. "Ms. Suzumiya would kill me if she heard me say this but… I just want to be normal."

Kyon sat silent for a minute, thinking over everything that had just happened. "I'll think of something," he said finally, getting up to return to class. "Just… do me one favor, alright?"

"Sure" Koizumi chuckled.

"Don't write your feelings down and have me recite them passionately… you remember what happened last time."

Koizumi's smile broadened wider that it had been all day. "I won't make any promises." He got up, gave Kyon a friendly wave, and left.

Kyon glanced back towards the window where Nagato was still sitting. She was sitting at the end of a table full of girls, eating slowly and nodding her head slightly when addressed. Kyon shook his head. _Koizumi… As much as I hate to admit it, I somewhat liked the way you were…_ He shrugged, and began walking. _And Nagato… You won't change too much, will you? And Ms. Asahina…_ Kyon stopped. _Huh, I'd like to see how _she_ changes… urk! I mean, how she… oh forget it, it's true both ways anyway._

What? A Koizagato? _Is that how they abbreviate it? Nagumi? Espalien? Oh, who cares anyway?_ Yes, for some reason that just seems right to me. Anywho, I actually know where the story is going now! Whoohoo! Go Amaxing!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer:

Disclaimer: Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don't. And sometimes, you feel like both, now isn't that a dilemma? Oh, and btw, I don't own Haruhi.

Don't forget to go back and give this chapter a fitting title.

_Before I go on, maybe I should say a few words about Ms. Asahina._

_Perfect. Sacred. Beautiful. Immaculate. That counts as a few words, right?_

_Ha. I guess not. In all honesty, I've never fully understood why Ms. Asahina means so much to me. Granted, I see her more than most women, and there's no denying that she absolutely gorgeous, yet somehow innocent, which only makes it better in my opinion, especially when she… well, like I said, she may be gorgeous, but it's not like she's Aphrodite. When I step back and take a good, objective look at the situation, there are plenty of other girls in our school with close to or equal her level of beauty (I've always wondered how so many beautiful girls all go to one school… maybe Haruhi wished it? (Shudder) The implications Koizumi could get out of _that_…)_.

_Either way, I suppose that a good storyteller would return to the story right about now, so hey, knock yourself out._

It was a surprisingly normal Tuesday afternoon in the clubroom. Koizumi and Kyon played Othello, and Koizumi, as Kyon noticed for the first time, occasionally stole a quick glance at Nagato, who sat in the corner, entrenched in her novel. Kyon also noticed that, after each glance, Koizumi's smile increased by the slightest increment.

_It would almost be cute… if it weren't Koizumi. Well… ok, I take that back, it's still kind of cute._

Haruhi paced back and forth, occasionally reading over Nagato's shoulder. She sighed dramatically from time to time, and sporadically checked the hit counter on the website.

"Shouldn't you be worrying that she's getting too bored?" Kyon whispered, trying to contain a grin.

"Erm?" Koizumi asked, smiling and giving an overdramatic gesture. "Yes, it is a nice day we're having, isn't it?"

Kyon sighed. _You know, Koizumi, even though you hide your emotions _insanely_ well, you're about as subtle as the Trinity testing grounds._

"_WHERE IS MIKURU??_" Haruhi yelled suddenly, causing the other three to look up slowly (again, this was a hardly a surprise anymore).

_Maybe her resolution was to get some common sense and _leave_ this club. Ack! Perish the thought!_

Just as Kyon was thinking this, the door slowly creaked open, and a soft voice came from the other end. "Um… hello?"

_Thank goodness. This club without Ms. Asahina would be like the Enterprise without Spock!_

"I'm sorry…" the soft voice apologized. "I'm sorry I'm late, but…" The door opened, and Mikuru stood there, looking deathly afraid. "_But I decided for my resolution… that I'm going to… be… outgoing!_" She looked down at the floor. "So I… I brought someone with me today…"

"_Well?_" Haruhi said, tapping her foot impatiently. _Who is it?_

A small, brown-haired boy poked his head in the door, seeming almost as scared as Mikuru. "Hey, Kyon" he said with a slight wave. "Who would have guessed, right?"

_… No way. Really? Of all the people in this school…_ "Kunikida?" Kyon asked. "How on earth did you get talked into this?"

"Well…" he said, flushing slightly as he walked fully into the room. "I'm not lascivious or anything, but… I still remember the bunny girl incident." He smiled. "How could I say no?"

Haruhi looked Kunikida over, and then pointed towards the door. "While your services as honorary SOS stand in are always appreciated," she said, formally yet rudely, "I'm afraid that becoming a full-fledged member is simply impossible for you." She turned her nose up. "I have _no_ time for ordinary human beings! Mikuru!"

Mikuru jumped. "Ah… wha…what?"

"You should have known better than this! That's _what_!" She yelled. "Penalty!"

"…Wait. Wait a minute." Kunikida said. Haruhi snapped her head, surprised to hear any objections. "What? What do you _want?_"

_Don't be a hero, Kunikida. Don't be a fool with your life._

"Well…" the boy said, sweating furiously. "It might not mean much, but…" He smiled broadly. "I have… a really high IQ? By definition, that kind of makes me not normal…"

Haruhi paused. Kyon did a double take. _She's actually_ considering_ this? That's enough change for the entire club as a whole!_ "How high an IQ do you have?" she finally asked, after careful consideration. "Because if you just barely qualify for the Ultranet, then I'm afraid you'll still have to go else where." _You have to be above the __99.999th percentile to not be considered normal? Haruhi! I didn't know your standards were that low!_

To Kyon's surprise, Kunikida actually laughed. He pulled out his wallet, and handed Haruhi a platinum-colored, laminated card.

Haruhi's jaw dropped. _"THE NANO SOCIETY??_" she yelled, causing everyone in the room to jump (Haruhi being genuiniely impressed with someone _wasn't_ something you saw everyday.) "Th- that means…" she started.

Kunikida nodded, then took his card back. "That's right" he smiled, "99.9999999th percentile." He placed a hand behind his head. "It's… 218 actually… my IQ, I mean."

The entire room stood still, unsure what would happen next. Haruhi stared for a minute, jaw open, and then whirled around to face Mikuru. "_MIKURU!"_ she yelled suddenly.

"AH!" she cried, startled. "Wha… what is it now?"

Haruhi grabbed Mikuru from behind, face beaming. "For achieving a somewhat decent character change, _and_ for evening out the boy-girl ratio of the club, _and_ for giving the SOS brigade it's very own 'mad scientist' character, I'm promoting you to…" she stopped for a minute. "Well, let's see…" she said thoughtfully. "Vice chief is gone… vice _vice_ chief is gone…" She smiled. "I'm promoting you to _chief_ mascot!" She laughed, as if she had solved an amazingly hard problem.

_Wha… wasn't she… that already?_

Haruhi pointed at Kyon. "That leaves the position of mascot open, so Kyon, _you're_ going to have to fill it from now on!" She looked Kyon over, shaking her head. "We don't have much to work with, of course…" she mused. "But we'll just have to make due!" She moved her finger directly into his face. "First thing tomorrow, after school, we're fitting you for a _gladiator_ costume!

_But I don't _want_ to be Russell Crowe…_

"DISMISSED!"

_After putting up with all of this, don't I at _least_ get a Klondike Bar?_

_And so… within the span of a few minutes, I became the new Mikuru. Yes, it _is_ a very disturbing thought, and since I'm a very firm believer in 'share the pain' philosophy, I'll let you dwell on that image for a few minutes._

-

_-_

_-_

_-_

_-_

_That's probably long enough. Anyway, luckily for me, the day didn't end there. As I was walking home, I learned a very painful lesson…_

"OOF!" Books flew everywhere, and a sharp pain went through Kyon's shoulder as he fell to the ground.

_… Never walk and narrate… at the same time._

"Oh!" came a soft, feminine voice. "I'm so sorry! Here, let me help you…"

"No… really, that's quite alright" Kyon said, helping himself to his feet. "I ran into _you_ after all…" He looked up, to see a green-haired girl brushing herself off, looking at him with concern.

_That's…_

"Emiri Kimidori, right?" Kyon asked.

She smiled, and gave a slight nod.

_Ah… the supposed computer club president's girlfriend. I've always suspected that she's in cahoots with Nagato, but… _He looked her over. _On closer examination… she actually seems like a pretty human. I mean… you know what I mean._

_Of course… I thought the same thing about Asakura, and look how _that_ turned out._

Emiri cocked her head to the side. "You'll forgive me… I mean, I know we really haven't talked to each other all that often but…" She looked down at her hands, poking her pointer fingers together. "I've… kind of noticed you always seem so lost in thought." She looked up at him. "What… exactly do you think about?"

_Oh, not much. The end of the world. Anthropic philosophy. Power struggles between advanced civilizations. You know, mundane stuff._

"To tell the complete truth, I've been thinking a lot about change lately." Kyon blinked. _Wha… what? I answered the question?_

"Really?" she asked. "Like, what kind of change?"

Kyon shrugged, reached into his pocket, and pulled out his 'resolution form', still blank. Emiri read it over, and gave a soft 'huh'.

"Well…" she mused. "That's a good idea, I suppose…" She looked at Kyon. "Have you thought of what you're going to do?"

"I honestly can't think of anything." He shrugged. "I'm surprisingly content, no matter how much I complain."

"Well that's good" Emiri smiled. She paused for a moment. "I've… well, if you wanted my advice that is… but I've always found that whenever something gives me an… unpleasant feeling, then I need to change something." She looked down at the ground. "Like, say recently, I've been feeling kind of lonely…"

Kyon took a step back, slightly shocked. _I… I think I like where this conversation is going…_

Emiri clapped a hand over her mouth. "Oh, but you must think I'm _terrible_ now!" She looked away. "I didn't… I mean, I didn't mean it like…"

Kyon shook his head. "Don't worry about it, I know what you meant."

She looked up at him, smiled, and nodded her head. "Oh well… good!" She started to walk away, and then turned back, giving a slight wave. "Well… see you in school tomorrow, then!" She took a few staggared steps down the hill, and then broke into a run.

Kyon smiled. _You know what? Change is good._

-

I know what you're thinking. 'Where is this story going?' 'Why didn't you advance the Koizagato plotline at all?' 'You're _seriously_ pairing Kyon up with a _MINOR CHARACTER?!_' Rest assured, I know what I'm doing. Ok, yeah, that's a lie.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer:

Hi everyone. I'm Max English, better known as Amaxing, _actually_ known as… well; I don't want any stalkers coming to my house. (Points at screen) yes, I mean _you._ Jerk.

Anyway, the reason I'm interrupting this disclaimer is to pay homage to the guy who makes such high-quality, always changing disclaimers possible. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome…SKYLER!

(Price Is Right music plays, blue-haired disclaimer writer bodysurfs through crowd and lands on stage).

"Thank you! Thank you, everyone!" Skyler said, sighing in ecstasy. "To be honest, I can't think of anything I'd rather have done with the last one and a half years of my life than write disclaimers like this one for AFFI." He cleared his throat, and presented his latest work of art.

Disclaimer: Friends, fellows, countrymen! Lend me to your ears! I come to write about Haruhi, not to own her!

(Crowd cheers exuberantly.) "Thank you! Thank you!" Skyler beamed. "And now, we should all pay homage to Amaxing, who's finally decided to give me a _last name!_"

"Who told you that?" Max asked. "I never said that."

"But…" Skyler stuttered. "Then what is this…"

"ACTION!"

It's foolproof! Unfortunately, we're inferior to fools.

_Nuclear warheads, heat-seeking missiles, beasts with many horns and crowns, black holes, environmental collapse, fan fiction… over the years, people have posed many theories as to what will cause the end of the world. Heck, some people are crazy enough to name a high school girl as the cause._

_I say crazy, but then again, _they're_ probably wiser than the rest._

If you asked me, however, I could tell you exactly what's going to cause the end of the world. While a nuclear warhead, an alien invasion, or the wrath of God (Or should I say Haruhi?) may accomplish the actual destruction, the main trigger will be a misunderstanding. It's as simple as that.

_Why do I say this, you ask? How would I know, you ask? How does this have anything to do with the story, you ask? Why am I asking so many rhetorical questions, you ask? Stop asking. Just read._

"Ack! What are you doing?" Came Kunikida's voice from the other side of the door. "I'm pretty sure we're supposed to stick it in _there._"

"Ah!" Mikuru gasped. "I don't think so… I-it's not supposed to hurt like that…"

"Sure it is" Kunikida assured her. "You think this is the first time I've done something like this?"

"Well… yeah" Mikuru giggled (giggled!) "You don't exactly seem very confident…"

"Oh, just hush and let me take over."

"Well… alright… if you think you can do better…"

"STOP!" Kyon yelled, bursting down the door. _You could probably guess what I was thinking. Heck, you were probably thinking it yourself, pervert._

"Ah!" Kunikida yelled, blocking Mikuru from view as best he could. "H-hey, man, what's…"

"It's ok" Mikuru said softly. "He… already knows."

_Already knows what? That you have a star-shaped mole on your chest? That better not be the answer, or I'll…_

Kunikida sighed, and relaxed. "You already knew about this, and you never _told_ me?" He asked. "Kyon, this is _huge_! This is the kind of thing you tell a friend, man."

"What does Kyon already know?" Kyon asked angrily. "_What does Kyon already know?_"

"About _this_" Kunikida said, holding up something that looked like an oversized wristwatch. "A device for the traversing of nonlinear quantum planes, synchronized perfectly with a device for the movement of matter across linear spatial planes!" He shook his head. "You were sitting on this, and yet you acted as if nothing was happening? You really should take up acting, Kyon."

_… You're not related to Nagato, are you Kunikida?_

"My time traveling device" Mikuru explained before Kyon asked.

"Uh…" Kyon grunted. "Wait, you told Kunikida that you're from the future? Wha…why? Isn't that against the rules or something?"

"Oh!" Mikuru gasped. "I suppose it might be… I never thought of that…" she looked down at the ground. "I just needed someone to fix it…."

Kyon blinked. "And… Nagato couldn't?"

She flushed. "Maybe… but…"

_You're still scared of Nagato? After all this time? You probably need a lot more work on this whole 'outgoing' thing._

"You see…" Mikuru blushed more. "I decided that, when I saw Ms. Suzumiya's resolution thing, that I'd try to get more authorization from the future… that way, I'd be able to do more…" She shook her head cutely. "But, if I keep going to Ms. Yuki whenever something goes wrong, they'll know… and they won't consider me ready."

"So you told Kunikida, because they don't know about him?"

She nodded. "That's right! Kunikida here isn't considered important enough for observation…ah!" She gasped, realizing how incredibly insulting that was. "Sorry, Kunikida, it's not that…"

"Sorry for what?" Kunikida asked, completely immersed in tinkering with the time-traveling device.

"N… nothing…" Mikuru smiled.

"Psssst! Kyon!" came a whisper from the hallway. _You know, even if it _sounds_ like your whispering, people will still hear you if you don't talk any quieter._

Kyon sighed. "I have to go check on… my occipital lobe" he lied lamely. "Tell Haruhi I'll be back after I make sure I don't need my insulin."

"Kyon!" Mikuru gasped, concerned. "You don't…" she began to tear up. "You're not diabetic, are you?"

"What's that about Wilford Brimley?" Kunikida asked.

"No!" Kyon assured her. _Please don't cry! Your crying, if shown on national television, would cause the national suicide rate to increase exponentially!_ "It's a special kind of insulin… for occipital lobes…" he fumbled. "If I don't take it, the worst that can happen… is… getting a rash."

"I am _not_ being rash, I know exactly what I'm doing!" Kunikida asserted.

Mikuru stared at Kyon for a minute, and then smiled mischievously. "What are you _really_ doing, Kyon-kun?"

Kyon thought for a minute, and then put a finger up to his lips. "That's classified!" he teased, and then ducked out of the room. He walked down the hall, turned the corner, and saw Koizumi leaning against the wall. His smile was as big as ever, but his eyes screamed: 'Nervous is my middle name! Call me Itsuki Nervous Koizumi!' _Wow. I never thought Koizumi's showing emotion would result in his looking so creepy. And what on earth is with my using gerunds all of a sudden? _"You remember the plan, right?" Kyon asked.

"As if I could forget" Koizumi smiled. "You're going to plant it in Ms. Suzumiya's mind that you and Kunikida could easily beat her and Ms. Asahina in a three-legged race." He smiled wider, trying to hide his nerves. "Then, when the four of you are out in the field racing, I'll take advantage of being alone with Nagato and…" he paused. He chuckled, and struck an over exaggerated pose. "And… what should I do then?"

"I don't know." Kyon shrugged. "Confess? Say that her eyes are 'deeper than the depths of space itself, and infinite times more inviting?'" He paused. _Have I heard that somewhere before, or am I just that good?_ He shrugged again. "I don't know, I hardly have experience with the subject as it is."

Koizumi chuckled again, but it had a nervous quality to it. "Perhaps, as the normal human being, I should wait for _you_ to master this before…"

"Oh no" Kyon interrupted. _You're not getting out of it that easy pal!_ "Now that I've gone through the trouble of setting this up, there's _no way_ I'm letting you back out now."

Koizumi's smile widened. "You're a good friend, Kyon. This plan is practically foolproof." He placed a hand on Kyon's shoulder. "If there's ever anything I can do for you…"

"You can remove the hand." _Lord knows, there's _enough_ moments out there that support yaoi…_

"Fair enough" Koizumi laughed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Mikuru's scream echoed across the hallway, causing both SOS brigade members to dash hurriedly into the clubroom. Before they could enter, however, they were knocked over by a large, brutish man, dressed in primitive clothes and carrying a large axe.

_What the hell? Tell me Kunikida's just _insanely_ good at cosplay… actually don't tell me that. I _really _need to stop thinking these things._

"Huh… that's probably _not_ how it was supposed to go…" Kunikida said, tapping the time traveling device gently with his finger. Kyon glanced around the room fervently and, after seeing that Mikuru was ok (albeit lying on the floor in a quivering mass), turned on Kunikida.

"WHAT THE _HELL_ WAS THAT?" he yelled, uncharacteristically angry.

"If my knowledge of history serves me right…" Koizumi mused, scratching his chin. "That was _probably_ Attila the Hun, right?"

"I think so…" Kunikida nodded. "It's weird though… I could have sworn that, with the quantum circuits running the way they are right now, _we_ would have gone to the _past…_ not the other way around…"

"_This is serious!_" Kyon yelled, rushing towards Mikuru and gripping her tightly. "There's a murderous Mongol running around, _and you're concerned as to why the TPDD didn't work the way you wanted it to?_"

"How are we going to send him back if I can't get this working?" Kunikida replied nonchalantly, still tinkering with the device.

"Kyon-kun…" Mikuru said softly. "He… he's right…" She picked herself up off the floor, and looked straight at him. "What we should be doing now… is trying to capture Mr. Hun, so we can send him back…" _And even though I was boiling over with anger a few minutes ago, I suddenly feel like everything is right with the world! What a panacea Asahina-san's face is!_

"Alright…" Kyon said, thinking quickly. "Kunikida, you, Ms. Asahina, and I will go after Attila. Koizumi…" _I think I'm worthy of congratulating for thinking this quickly._ "You stay here and explain our absence to Haruhi if she comes in before we get back, understood?"

Koizumi smiled broadly, and nodded. "Yes sir." _All right then! Haruhi will probably come looking for us when she sees we're gone, so the 'alone in the room' plan is still golden!_

"I'll come too" came a monotone voice from behind them.

_(Sigh) That's what I get for counting my chickens before they hatch._

"My data-manipulation powers will most certainly be an asset in both the location and incarceration of the time anomaly." _She says in front of Kunikida, as if he already knows. If I remember correctly, I wasn't pulled into the loop _this_ quickly!_

"Erm… Nagato…" Kyon fumbled. "While you're probably right…erm…"

"We can't allow Mr. Hun to be affected in any way," Mikuru said quickly. _Nice save. Though I suppose that _might_ just be protocol._ "If we were to over-stimulate his senses, his entire mindset could change, and history could be completely rewritten!" She said with a look of cute desperation on her face.

"I'll be careful" she replied, and began to glide towards the direction Attila had run.

Kyon sighed. "Ok then…" he said. "Well then, seeing as we have _Nagato_ now…" _Convincing lie… convincing lie…_ "Kunikida, Ms. Asahina, on second thought, it's probable better if you stay her and try to fix the TPDD… just don't let Haruhi see it." _The absolutely _terrible, horrible, _things that could happen if she could go back in time…_ "Koizumi, come with me."

The three other brigade members nodded, and began to set about their tasks. _Ok then. As much as I hate leaving Ms. Asahina and Kunikida alone in the same room, things should still work out this way. Since I know what's going on, I can easily duck out and leave the two of them alone… it's foolproof! Kyon, my man, you've really done it this time! … Oh great, I'm even calling _myself_ Kyon now. Damn it, that's not my name! Its…_

"_Whatever you're searching for, I'm coming too, got it!"_

Kyon turned hurriedly, and was quickly smacked across the face by an overexcited brigade leader. _"Well? Is it something mysterious? A time traveler, maybe? Or an alien that crawled out of Mikuru-chan's teapot? Or a cyber-being that materialized when the computer was turned on? What are we looking for?_"

_Damn it! I already used up my convincing lie for the day!_

"Kyon's cousin Atlas from Mongolia is visiting, but he got lost on the way to school." Koizumi said. He gave a huge yawn, and followed it up with a smile. "It'll probably be unbearably boring, as there aren't many places he could be…"

"_What are you talking about?"_ Haruhi yelled enthusiastically. "Helping people with their problems is what the SOS brigade is all about! And since charity begins at home, what better way to spend a meeting than by helping one of our members?" She bounced up and down on the balls of her feet. "Let's go! Let's go! Atlas could be halfway across the _world_ by now!"

_So wait. Ms. Asahina and Kunikida left in a room together alone, a savage Hun running around the town, and Haruhi now having an insanely good chance of _seeing_ said Hun, thereby proving to her the existence of time travelers and… oh, my head. It'd be really evil to leave this kind of situation in a cliffhanger. Unfortunately, that's exactly what's going to happen._

-

Dun Dun DUUUUUUUN! And now we've added Attila the Hun to the SOS brigade roster! Wait, what? That's not what I wrote…

Was this chapter ok? Something felt different about it for some reason... oh well, think nothing of it, that happens a lot around here.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Due to the erratic nature of life, the universe, and everything, the recent absence of updates to this story has been unforeseeable, uncontrollable, and un-amaxing. All attempts to become the rightful owner of Haruhi Suzumiya during this time period have, regrettably, failed.

And now, on to the story.

One heck of a crazy, insane, out-of-control, digitally remastered, stereophonic day (Now In Color!)

Or

Oh Koizumi, you say the darndest things!

The events that unfurled next were so unforeseeable, uncontrollable and un-amaxing that it's taken me a good month or so to collect my thoughts, get everything straight, and finally come up with a witty way of narrating them.

Looking back, it probably wasn't as insane as some of the other stuff I've gone through, but it's at least in my top ten… or my bottom five… or my left side seven. Upon reflection, it definitely doesn't make my right side three, but I could be counting wrong. Carry the two… multiply by five… subtract three and a half…

You'll notice that just building up to the events of that day cause me to become indecipherable, and I'll admit things have never quite been the same since. If things had already gone from bad to worse in the beginning of the day, it went from worse to kill me now in the afternoon, and the day after… well, I don't even want to talk about that now. Foreshadowing.

And the Emmy for most confusing opening goes to… Kyon. Congratulations, me.

-

Naturally, the first place we checked was the square. Call it a hunch, but I just couldn't help but lead our group of four there. And sure enough, there, lying on the concrete was a young girl with green hair, curled up in a fetal position.

"Emiri?" I asked, surprised, despite the fact that I had kind of suspected something like this to happen.

"Eh… Kyon?" the girl asked. "What are you doing here? No wait…" She stood up, shaking her head. "This is a public square… there's no reason you shouldn't be here, it's just…"

"Did you happen to see someone who doesn't look like he's from around here?" Koizumi asked, rudely interrupting her in a way that made him seem completely polite. Koizumi… a contradiction wrapped in an enigma shrouded in a paradox… is that how it goes?

"Oh!" Emiri said, suddenly trembling. "This man just ran by… he was carrying an axe, and he tried to slice me with it!"

"An axe murderer?" Haruhi squealed in delight. "Now this is a job for the SOS brigade! We'll have to set up a base, find out his pattern, set up an elaborate trap for him, and hire a good press agent!"

"A press agent?!?!?" I asked, too surprised to realize that I was only feeding the fire.

"Of course! Someone has to publicize the face of the super-genius SOS leader who foiled an evil killer's plans!"

"But what about Kyon's cousin?" Koizumi asked, making an overdramatic gesture with his hands. "Don't you think we should find him first, and then the axe murderer?"

"No way! Finding an axe murderer is much more exciting than finding Kyon's cousin! He's probably really boring anyway, I mean just look at who he's related to!"

"They're the same person!" I screamed, clearly not in my right mind. The other four stared at me. Nagato was emotionless as usual, Koizumi, despite his smile, had a certain 'good Haruhi, you just blew it' expression, Haruhi wore a sort of rapt, wondrous expression and Emiri's eyes began to tear up."

"Kyon? Your cousin… is an axe murderer?" Emiri said softly.

"Kyon! Your cousin is an axe murderer?" Haruhi yelled excitedly.

"NO! That's not what I…" Actually, come to think of it, that's exactly what I said. "He… does reenactments." There was a brief silence. Wow… THAT WAS REALLY GOOD! With such skill at quick lying, I could become a politician!

"Oh!" Emiri said, breathing a sigh of relief.

"Oh…" Haruhi said, disappointed. "Well then… I guess we'll just look for Atlas…" She muttered to herself, and then pulled out five straws from her pocket. "Emiri! You're going to help us, ok? Draw a straw!"

We drew straws. The pairings eventually ended up Haruhi, Emiri, and I in a group of three, and Koizumi and Nagato alone. And while I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that what I'd been trying to set up had conveniently happened on its own, looking back… Nagato can force groupings to happen right?

Either way, at the end of the day, when Koizumi and Nagato walked up to us hand in hand, with Attila in tow, I think I had more than enough grounds to be suspicious.

"We walked in silence for about an hour and a half," Koizumi explained to me. "And I'm not ashamed to say, I had practically given up on trying to start conversation myself. I was sort of hoping that something would happen on its own, you know?"

"Sure, I know where you're coming from" I said. Actually, no, I don't know where your coming from, but I'm too darn happy to disagree with you right now. Foreshadowing.

"Anyway" he continued, a genuine smile on his face, "eventually, we heard screaming coming from down the street. We ran quickly and what should we find but your cousin Atlas attacking our friend, the electronic store owner, who was defending himself quite handily with a brand new heating unit."

"Nagato approached the scene, completely calm and ravis… I mean, collected, and extends her hand to freeze time I suppose, when the axe cuts the heating unit in half, electric sparks fly everywhere and she gets struck right in the chest and down she goes."

"You can imagine how quickly I ran over there, felt her chest…" I (Kyon, for those of you a bit confused by the double use of pronouns) gave him an amused look. "For a heartbeat, you pervert!" He laughed. "Anyway, it never occurred to me that she might not have a heartbeat, so I immediately went into rescue breathing." He shook his head in a trademark, overdramatic gesture. "Turns out I was right to assume she did, because after I don't know how long… damn, it seemed like hours… she finally comes to with an enormous jolt. It scared the living daylights out of me, seeing as she actually sat up while I was in the middle of giving her a rescue breath. She drove her mouth right into mine…" He shivered. "As scared as I was, there was this little voice in the back of my head screaming Hell yeah!, you know what I mean?"

"I could have done without that" I commented. "Though I'm glad to see you can show some emotion these days." More so than I ever thought possible.

"I didn't quite understand what he was doing" Nagato continued, shocking me by speaking freely and in complete sentences. "The only lip to lip contact I had been briefed on before entering this biosphere was that of romantic inclination… so while Itsuki…" she smiled, another shocker, "while Itsuki was stuttering about CPR and rescue breathing techniques, I read his heat patterns and deciphered, to my surprise, the fact that he… well…"

"Loved you" Koizumi whispered.

"Yes…" Nagato blushed. "And I immediately told him that, as an interface for organic life forms, there would come a point in the future where I would most likely be either terminated or recalled, and that it would be best for his emotional state not to make an investment of any kind in any collaborative future for the two of us."

"To which I responded" he smiled. "I don't care." He shrugged overdramatically. "We stared at each other for a minute, and then… the rest is private, the two of you really don't need to know…" He furrowed his brow. "The… two of you?" He counted again. "Kyon, where's Haruhi?"

I shrugged. "The hell if I know."

"Kyon!" Koizumi said, showing a bit more anger than I ever thought possible. "It's your responsibility to…"

"Oh, not anymore" I explained calmly, gripping Emiri tightly. "You see, I finally figured out what my resolution is going to be." I stuck a finger in the air and said, quite formally. "I resolve not to put up with the ridiculous demands and antics of Haruhi Suzumiya from this day forth, as long as I both shall live." I smiled, feeling happier than I had for the longest time. "I've quit the SOS brigade." And I left them standing there stupefied, with Emiri clinging lovingly to my shoulder.

-

-

Readers Reaction: WHA WHA WHAAAAAAT? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM!??!?!?

Don't you get your clothes all frumpled up in a heap, the next chapter will have the narration for Kyon's group's day. Telling it this way if more fun!


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